Sweets and Bacon

(Source: akopinay12)

I feel like I’ve been drifting day after day…I have been going on with my life without actually knowing what I’m doing. I feel like there’s always something missing, and each day that passes is like playing a losing game.

And it’s not really for lack of trying.

They say that love conquers all. That love makes a person change for the better. A lot of people tell me never to give up, never to lose hope, that someone out there is meant for me. I tell it to myself sometimes, you know, to be optimistic. But a lot of times, I find myself asking “who am I kidding? I am never going to meet that someone…ever.”

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, or what mistake I did. I don’t know why I keep getting close to people who are bad for me. Does that mean that I have not learned my lesson? Or does it mean that I’m just meant to be alone?

I miss him. So much. And everytime I think about how much I miss him, I feel like I’m going to explode. And everytime I’m nearing that explosion, I burst into tears…thinking that he’s somewhere out there, not really giving a single thought about me.

A friend told me, even owners miss their pets sometimes. Now I’m wondering, after all the time we spent together, how come I feel like I’m not even being missed?

Everyday is a struggle not to think of him. But it gets better each day. I am becoming used to the fact that what we had is over…and probably not real. I guess I was just way over my head with the idea that we would work everything out…that he was different from the other guys I met. It was all wishful thinking from my side. I kept making excuses for all his shortcomings. I kept overcompensating for things that were lacking in our relationship. But I guess I’ve reached the end and I have to stop this madness. I can’t be stupid for someone anymore…

Someday. I’m positive that I will meet someone who will accept me as I am, and that I wouldn’t have to make up excuses for anything anymore.

Someday.

I failed today. And what hurts more is knowing that I failed the people who believed in me. Now I’m just going to wallow in my sadness with a pile of sushi to make me feel somewhat better.

And no. I haven’t heard from him. I could’ve called to let him know how my day went…how absolutely horrible it was…but I would rather not.

It’s funny how the source of my happiness and misery is the same person. What’s even funnier is that despite his absence in my life, I am just glad to be with my best friend at this time. I just don’t know what I’ll do if he’s out of my life too…

(Source: akopinay12)

Dear ________,

Hi. It’s been a long time since I last wrote you a letter. While my last letter seemed to be full of hope about us and our future, I feel like this time around will be the last.

I’ve written you countless goodbye letters before…all if which ended up in the trash. I’ve been so afraid of not being by your side. I’ve loved you so much to let go…I promised myself that I wouldn’t give you up so easily - that I would try to understand beyond what I can, and give you love that no one else can.

I don’t understand how someone who told me that he wouldn’t get tired or loving me, who I built my future with, who told me he couldn’t risk living without me, would tell me that it would probably be better if we just stayed as friends. It hurts. And it hurts everytime I see you and think about the things that could never be.

So I guess it’s now time to say goodbye. I feel like I need to start loving myself more. I loved you too much, to the point that I would forego the things that I want in order to please you.

Goodbye. Thank you for the past 2 years of being my best friend, my lover, and everything else in between. I love you. I could only wish and hope that things are different…that we could actually work this out. So even if it is killing me to say goodbye, I know that I have to.

“ “Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile.

Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”

” —
Bob Marley

I am giving you up…not completely, but hopefully, I will be able to - soon.

I have been discovering bits about myself lately. In a way, I can say that I’ve been growing, thanks to him for nothing. I like the changes I’ve been seeing…it’s exciting, and just having something to look forward to makes me really happy.

So now, I leave you with my summer goals:

1. Feel healthier and stronger overall.
2. Drop a few inches all around my body.
3. Be able to commit to eating healthy and staying away from junk food.
4. Increase my endurance and be able to run at least 5km without panting.
5. Look good in a swimsuit.
6. Get my license and buy a car.
7. Be outstanding at work

No one would know this, but I’m really really lonely. I keep missing the person who doesn’t give a damn about me.

I just want to disappear.

I keep on thinking that I can’t make him love me anymore than I could…I just can’t handle the thought of him telling me if we can just be friends after all we’ve been through, and after all I went through for him. I probably believe in people’s goodness so much so that I never give up on them even when the most logical thing to do is the opposite.

I wish I could find the courage to just give him up completely.